Rulez to surviving a monster movie

long, but funny
The first rule for surviving a monster movie: don't be in one.

If you can't avoid being in a monster movie, at least make sure that the director hasn't slipped the Paxton Clause into your contract. That way, you can at least give yourself a decent chance of survival when things start going South in a hurry.

Try to be aware of your surroundings. For instance, make sure you know whether the film you are in is rated R or merely PG-13. This will affect your chances of being suddenly killed by a cut scene in the credits after you think you have triumphed.

Your doors and windows have locks for a reason. Use them!

It only takes two seconds to check the backseat for stowaways. This is time well spent.

In dangerous situations, nothing helps more than having a spunky, virginal girl named Sydney, Cindy, or Laurie around. This girl has amazing survival instincts, so stick close and listen to everything she says.

Any instance of a cat jumping out of hiding at you and scaring you should be taken as a claxon of danger. Run!

If a person for whom you have absolutely no reason to trust and every reason to never believe is telling the truth comes up to you out of the blue and says something like "I know you don't trust me, but I swear I'm telling the truth... there's a monster out there and its coming for us", believe him.

Wait until dawn to start looking for the vampire!

Car keys belong in your pocket and car doors and windows should be shut and locked at all times.

Always maintain your vehicle; make sure it starts the first time.

If your friend suddenly starts acting strangely, don't confront him and demand an explanation. Tell him you're going to go on beer run and call for reinforcements when you're a few miles down the road. Keep in mind previous rule about car doors and locks.

Never split up if it can be avoided, because that's when the monster is most likely to attack.

If you know for absolutely certain that some monster or monsters are in your immediate vicinity, but they don't register on things like infrared detectors, stop depending on your infrared detectors and use your bare eyeballs to keep an eye on the walls and floor of whatever chamber you happen to be in at the time. That's where IR-invisible monsters like to hide just before they ambush you.

If you tell the local sheriff that you've just seen a monster attack and kill someone, and he says "Nonsense!" or some variation thereof, get as far away from him as possible, because it's likely that he'll wind up being the next one eaten by the monster.

If you are female, keep your clothes on regardless of how appropriate taking them off is to the situation. No matter how hot your body is, getting naked is the quickest way to make it to the top of the monster's "to be killed" list.

Another tip for women: never wear high heeled shoes. Trade them in for some nice, comfortable running shoes.

While running away, never glance over your shoulder to see if you're being chased. The nanosecond you do, you'll trip, fall, and end up as the monster's lunch.

If the creepy old guy gives some proverbial advice, listen. This is assuming that the creepy old guy isn't actually trying to kill you, of course.

If you're carrying a large quantity of extremely-volatile ammo when the monsters attack, make real sure that you're not anywhere near your buddy with the flamethrower. Taking that simple precaution will greatly reduce your chances of becoming an impromptu facsimile of a Burger King Whopper. (Incidentally, it also keeps you from blowing up the rest of your buddies in the unfortunate event of an ammo explosion.)

If you and your monster hunter girlfriend feel the need to engage in sexual conduct of any kind (be it a relatively benign smooching session to an hour of the horizontal mambo), make sure it takes place in a relatively secure location... like a bank vault that's been locked from the inside. Engaging in such activity in a less secure location is just like hanging up a blinking neon "helpless victims here" sign.

If you walk into a house and a disembodied voice tells you to get out, leave. Immediately.

If you see a strange animal dash across the road, don't go looking for it. It was probably something normal and if it wasn't you don't want to find out.

If someone declares "Nothing could have survived that!", immediately prepare for the amazingly undamaged creature to attack. Shoot the idiot who made the declaration in the leg and leave them behind as a delaying snack/speedbump if at all possible.

Never trust an incredibly important part of your plan (such as "Staying alert to open a door for my return from getting vital supplies", or "Keep an eye out for the monster") to the insufferable jerk. He will always either get distracted and randomly wander off just when you need him, or else will turn out to be a gigantic coward who wilts at the smallest hint of danger. He is, however, prime speedbump material.

Make sure the other potential monster-snacks (you know... the other characters in the horror movie...) aren't carrying the car keys or other some vital bit of gear. You keep all that, and ignore the demands of others. If you die, getting the stuff off your corpse is their problem.

If you do come upon a mysteriously open door or window, dive through, roll to your feet, and start running because the monster is behind you.

Stay in well lit areas no matter what. Get a generator and keep it fueled if there's a chance the city grid will go out.

Likewise, never take the shortcut through the woods. And if its foggy outside, bar all the windows, lock all the doors, and get a nice roaring fire going in the fireplace. If you can block up all the air-conditioning grates as well, go for it.

If your best friend walks through a door, and his steaming, bleached-white skeleton flies out the door to smash against the wall, don't go through that door. He wouldn't want you to.

If, while trekking through remote woods, a strange light from the sky picks up your friend and lifts him into the inky blackness above, go ahead and run. And don't feel guilty or cowardly while running, either... again, he wouldn't want you to.

If you're assigned to stand guard over a huge hole in the ground that suddenly appears overnight, and the night that you've got the late shift you start to hear a sound like a Geiger counter coming from the hole... and it's getting closer... then run as if Satan himself were coming to get you. That way, you at least stand a chance of not looking like an over-microwaved burrito when the shapeless radioactive ooze comes out of the hole.

While we're at it, never take a job as a security guard. Ever. And note that this rule also applies to surviving an action movie.

Invest in a cheap camera with a mounted flash. A surprising number of monsters can be driven off by cheap cameras with flashes.

Helpful Travel Hints:

1. While traveling in Eastern Europe, if some old coot with a really bad accent tells you that they don't get many visitors in these parts, and that you'd likely be happier elsewhere, then hit the road for elsewhere immediately unless your vacation plans include becoming lunch for some undead horror.

2. While traveling to Asia, take a plane. Taking a boat radically increases the odds of being eaten by a giant radioactive dinosaur or gigantic multi-tentacled horror.

3. While traveling in the American southwest, avoid sleepy looking towns with optimistic-sounding names. Places like that are begging to be invaded by SUV-sized reptiles, city-bus sized insects, and hordes of vampire bats.

4. While traveling in New England, avoid any towns whose names contain the suffixes "-derry", "-wich", and especially "-smouth". Not only do these towns give a new meaning to the phrase "tourist trap", the inhabitants of such towns are inevitably worshippers of some faceless horror from beyond the stars.

Anyone who wants to keep the monster alive, for any reason, is not to be trusted and should probably be disposed of at the earliest opportunity.

Being the primary target of the monster can be a good thing of sorts, as it inevitably means the monster will somehow miss eating you until the end of the movie. This gives you a lot of time to figure out a way to kill this creature.

Girlfriends, boyfriends, older siblings, and babysitters of the primary target sometimes also will get a free pass to the end of the movie, but there's a chance that they only get the pass because they are wearing the sign that says "Last Victim to Be Slaughtered Before The Primary Target Kills The Monster" so plan accordingly if you fit this role.

If you and your band of intrepid monster hunters are in search of a lab-created creature, make absolutely certain that the idiot scientist who created the thing in the first place is in the rear of the party. That way, he or she will be the first one to buy it when the monster attacks the group from behind.

When fighting a giant monster, make absolutely sure that you and your fellow monster fighters aren't standing near any old ruins or other large structure that the monster can bring crashing down upon you.

If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile and/or fearful reaction in cats and dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.

If you're about to perform an autopsy upon the body of a mass serial killer, just make sure that the body is securely strapped to the table. Doing so will slightly improve your chances of not being killed when the deceased suddenly comes back to life.

Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop what you are doing and back away quickly!

It is in your best interest to stay away from the practical joker of your group. Chances are the monster finds him as unbearably annoying as you do and will do a service to all of humanity by eliminating him from the gene pool first before anybody else.

Stay away from the unbearably cute kid in your group. Regardless of how much peril it looks like he is in, he will inevitably live through the entire ordeal. Rather, everyone around the child will die first, starting with the people closest to him at any given time.

If you are on an island, and man shows up saying "Give me what I want and I will go away," ask him what he wants. If it turns out to be something you are unwilling to part with, immediately shoot the man in the face. Repeatedly.

When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.

When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.

If an elite military unit, or an agency sponsoring such a unit, arrives and says "we have everything under control", assume they will all be dead after the first engagement and plan accordingly.

When you know the monster is out there somewhere, and you've been left to do something by yourself (no doubt something very important), assume that the suspicious noise you heard was the monster and respond appropriately.

It's not dead until you dismember it and burn the pieces to ash. Just to be safe, find a construction site where they are pouring concrete and add the ash to the mixer.

If you find a vehicle of obvious non-human origin buried in the Antarctic ice along with its equally nonhuman pilot, then leave it where you found it. Let the military idiots deal with the grunt work (and the subsequent rampage of the aforementioned pilot). After all, that's what Uncle Sam is paying them for.

Under no circumstances should you ever sigh with relief and say "thank goodness its all over". Doing so only causes you to be immediately proven incorrect.

Before buying a new home, always make sure to find out what stood on the land prior to the construction of the house. If a mortuary, insane asylum, hospital, or any sort of graveyard once stood where the house now stands, think about moving somewhere else, regardless of how beautiful a view the front windows provide.

Never turn your back to the window, especially if you are giving a macho or morale-building speech.

For those of you in the armed services, if you're fighting some alien horror, never ever shout something like "Oh, you want some of this? Come get some!" Doing so is the signal for whatever you're fighting to either:

a. Grab you by the leg or other convenient body part and fling you into a crowd of its fellows, who will promptly turn you into their version of Beggin' Strips brand doggy treats, or

b. Burst through the section of floor that you're standing on, pulling you screaming into the darkness (what happens to you after that doesn't bear thinking about, but it won't be pleasant).

Don't stop at destroying the monster's remains. Check out every single place that you know of where the creature hid during its murder spree. Doing so will greatly reduce your chances of being stalked and killed by the offspring of the creature when they hatch and emerge from the hidden nest that their parent built before it was killed.

If one of your friends makes arrangements for you and the rest of your group to go on a wilderness retreat, and you find out later that there's been long-term waste dumping going on for years near where you're going to be staying, make sure to stock up on all the ammo, explosives, and weapons you can get away with carrying. You'll definitely need it when the mutated grizzly bear that lives in the woods bursts through your front door to eat you.

Never go to the authorities. Either they will not believe you, in which case they're no help, or they will believe you, in case you'll be blamed for the problem, which is worse than no help.

If you hear a strange noise coming from an empty area, never ask "Who's there." It only marks you as the next victim.

Never taunt the monster until you are 100% safe.

You are never 100% safe.

[/SuPerMan\]

If you walk into a house and a disembodied voice tells you to get out, leave. Immediately.

If someone declares "Nothing could have survived that!", immediately prepare for the amazingly undamaged creature to attack. Shoot the idiot who made the declaration in the leg and leave them behind as a delaying snack/speedbump if at all possible.


ahahah my favorite ones right there...wikid funny