Rulez to surviving a monster movie

long, but funny
The first rule for surviving a monster movie: don't be in one.

If you can't avoid being in a monster movie, at least make sure that the director hasn't slipped the Paxton Clause into your contract. That way, you can at least give yourself a decent chance of survival when things start going South in a hurry.

Try to be aware of your surroundings. For instance, make sure you know whether the film you are in is rated R or merely PG-13. This will affect your chances of being suddenly killed by a cut scene in the credits after you think you have triumphed.

Your doors and windows have locks for a reason. Use them!

It only takes two seconds to check the backseat for stowaways. This is time well spent.

In dangerous situations, nothing helps more than having a spunky, virginal girl named Sydney, Cindy, or Laurie around. This girl has amazing survival instincts, so stick close and listen to everything she says.

Any instance of a cat jumping out of hiding at you and scaring you should be taken as a claxon of danger. Run!

If a person for whom you have absolutely no reason to trust and every reason to never believe is telling the truth comes up to you out of the blue and says something like "I know you don't trust me, but I swear I'm telling the truth... there's a monster out there and its coming for us", believe him.

Wait until dawn to start looking for the vampire!

Car keys belong in your pocket and car doors and windows should be shut and locked at all times.

Always maintain your vehicle; make sure it starts the first time.

If your friend suddenly starts acting strangely, don't confront him and demand an explanation. Tell him you're going to go on beer run and call for reinforcements when you're a few miles down the road. Keep in mind previous rule about car doors and locks.

Never split up if it can be avoided, because that's when the monster is most likely to attack.

If you know for absolutely certain that some monster or monsters are in your immediate vicinity, but they don't register on things like infrared detectors, stop depending on your infrared detectors and use your bare eyeballs to keep an eye on the walls and floor of whatever chamber you happen to be in at the time. That's where IR-invisible monsters like to hide just before they ambush you.

If you tell the local sheriff that you've just seen a monster attack and kill someone, and he says "Nonsense!" or some variation thereof, get as far away from him as possible, because it's likely that he'll wind up being the next one eaten by the monster.

If you are female, keep your clothes on regardless of how appropriate taking them off is to the situation. No matter how hot your body is, getting naked is the quickest way to make it to the top of the monster's "to be killed" list.

Another tip for women: never wear high heeled shoes. Trade them in for some nice, comfortable running shoes.

While running away, never glance over your shoulder to see if you're being chased. The nanosecond you do, you'll trip, fall, and end up as the monster's lunch.

If the creepy old guy gives some proverbial advice, listen. This is assuming that the creepy old guy isn't actually trying to kill you, of course.

If you're carrying a large quantity of extremely-volatile ammo when the monsters attack, make real sure that you're not anywhere near your buddy with the flamethrower. Taking that simple precaution will greatly reduce your chances of becoming an impromptu facsimile of a Burger King Whopper. (Incidentally, it also keeps you from blowing up the rest of your buddies in the unfortunate event of an ammo explosion.)

If you and your monster hunter girlfriend feel the need to engage in sexual conduct of any kind (be it a relatively benign smooching session to an hour of the horizontal mambo), make sure it takes place in a relatively secure location... like a bank vault that's been locked from the inside. Engaging in such activity in a less secure location is just like hanging up a blinking neon "helpless victims here" sign.

If you walk into a house and a disembodied voice tells you to get out, leave. Immediately.

If you see a strange animal dash across the road, don't go looking for it. It was probably something normal and if it wasn't you don't want to find out.

If someone declares "Nothing could have survived that!", immediately prepare for the amazingly undamaged creature to attack. Shoot the idiot who made the declaration in the leg and leave them behind as a delaying snack/speedbump if at all possible.

Never trust an incredibly important part of your plan (such as "Staying alert to open a door for my return from getting vital supplies", or "Keep an eye out for the monster") to the insufferable jerk. He will always either get distracted and randomly wander off just when you need him, or else will turn out to be a gigantic coward who wilts at the smallest hint of danger. He is, however, prime speedbump material.

Make sure the other potential monster-snacks (you know... the other characters in the horror movie...) aren't carrying the car keys or other some vital bit of gear. You keep all that, and ignore the demands of others. If you die, getting the stuff off your corpse is their problem.

If you do come upon a mysteriously open door or window, dive through, roll to your feet, and start running because the monster is behind you.

Stay in well lit areas no matter what. Get a generator and keep it fueled if there's a chance the city grid will go out.

Likewise, never take the shortcut through the woods. And if its foggy outside, bar all the windows, lock all the doors, and get a nice roaring fire going in the fireplace. If you can block up all the air-conditioning grates as well, go for it.

If your best friend walks through a door, and his steaming, bleached-white skeleton flies out the door to smash against the wall, don't go through that door. He wouldn't want you to.

If, while trekking through remote woods, a strange light from the sky picks up your friend and lifts him into the inky blackness above, go ahead and run. And don't feel guilty or cowardly while running, either... again, he wouldn't want you to.

If you're assigned to stand guard over a huge hole in the ground that suddenly appears overnight, and the night that you've got the late shift you start to hear a sound like a Geiger counter coming from the hole... and it's getting closer... then run as if Satan himself were coming to get you. That way, you at least stand a chance of not looking like an over-microwaved burrito when the shapeless radioactive ooze comes out of the hole.

While we're at it, never take a job as a security guard. Ever. And note that this rule also applies to surviving an action movie.

Invest in a cheap camera with a mounted flash. A surprising number of monsters can be driven off by cheap cameras with flashes.